So I'm back from the missions trip to North Sumatra. It sure was different from last year's trip. It's a different team with different dynamics. Apparent changes were seen in the field. Now back behind the desk facing the computer monitor, I'm faced with the obvious reality. Where is the Lord leading me? I want to be able to echo what the prophet Habbakuk wrote in Hab 3:17-18,
Hab 3:17 For though the fig-tree shall not flourish, Neither shall fruit be in the vines; The labor of the olive shall fail, And the fields shall yield no food; The flock shall be cut off from the fold, And there shall be no herd in the stalls:
Hab 3:18 Yet I will rejoice in Jehovah, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
it's difficult to be sincere and honest when considering the apparent "hypocrisy" around. We teach and stress so much on Asian theology and matters concerning self-theologizing, yet our conduct betray us. Secularism creeps into the church and we can only rationalize that we are fallen human beings! When is the "colonialization" of the church going to stop? I was appointed to head the BM Dept but suddenly one American missionary came & demand for that position, then the so-called school management bow to that demand. I am disillusioned with ministry. I really feel so pushed to the edge of giving up. What's the difference with the world if the church cannot champion truth within herself??? Again, we rationalize that we are fallen human being, confine to our limited limitations. If so, we are reducing the bigness of our God into a small match-box. We continue to be bias conforming to the traditional age and gender bias. There are areas in ministry strictly for specific gender - why? Where is our security? Can't we accept our strength & weakness and compliment each other to accomplish the task entrusted to us? Instead, each gender has to feel threatened to the extend of confining the other to their so-called specific roles. Policies, budget, etc were quoted to discourage me from furthering my studies, but the bottom-line I can discern is, I'm not a man.
The events from the start of the year seem to be like "birth pangs" and I don't know what it's leading to. I've encounter "attacks" and circumstances that seem to contradict what God is speaking to me. Sure I want to maintain the faith to declare like Habbakuk that I can still rejoice despite the circumstances, but I doubt my own sincerity in pronouncing them. At this moment and circumstances, I'm in a position of readiness to go to anywhere the Lord may call me to, at anytime He chooses. I suppose, this is how I should be at all times. But I've learnt not to hold dear anything I've been entrusted with: be it ministry, fellowship, etc. We are pilgrims here on earth with no permanence.
A reflection of uncertainty is seen at the larger aspect of Malaysia as a nation. Events each day are building up its intensity, much like "birth pangs" to a new era.
To anyone reading this blog entry - I am a single lady Christian minister encountering challenges as she strives to live and minister by God's terms. Right now, I'm at the very edge of giving up. Disillusioned, discouraged, disappointed. Yet knowing God is faithful and His Word NEVER return to Him void.
