I remember entering 2008 with fear. And I do not know fear of what. But as the year progressed, I realized it was an attempt of the enemy to prevent me from entering into a new spiritual dimension. During those fearful days, I was confronted with several issues. I was pushed to the edge of giving up on ministry & return to “normal” life (of nominal Christianity). I had to confront the difficult question that if my health failed, will I still love God? And 2008 is the year I entered the big 4-0. It is a phase where (bodily) machinery begins breaking down. I used to hear stories of failing health about my friends’ parents, but I have reached the stage where the stories come from my friends themselves. I hardly receive wedding invitations from friends these days. Instead, I receive wedding invitations of my friends’ children. Somehow the big number 40 bears some significance in regard to an entry to the next phase of life.
I was also pushed further to confront the question, if God calls me home at this instant, will I drop everything & return to Him? Like most devoted Christians, I know how I should respond and many times over I have mentioned the sentiment we all share. The head has all the answers but the heart often refuse to comply. I want to be able to declare to the Lord that, yes, I will leave everything & answer Your call, whatever it may be. Yet, I know that will not be an honest answer because I have grown pretty attached to work/ministry and family. I have grown too attached to worldly affairs. It was a troubling first quarter of 2008 that I went through. And I finally had to confess in all honesty to the Lord that I cannot sincerely respond in a manner I should and asked Him to help me love Him so much that I am able to sincerely & honestly be the vessel worthy for His use. It was a simple enough confession but it brought great relief. I began to rejoice that I’ve done the 40 years of wilderness and have entered into the promised land.
I believe the Lord take me through many circumstances in order to mold a character worthy for the task He ordained for me. He brought people into my life that has strong impact & significance. Simple things happen as if by chance but it has been ordained by the Lord. I met Rev. Laura Rizzo through the net. Although she is half way across the globe, she has been a great encouragement to me through some very difficult times. If anyone of you is familiar with the 5 Love Languages, well, my love language is word of encouragement & Rev. Laura has a tremendous Barnabas anointing & I often read her emails more than once. It never fails to lift me up. I thank the Lord for this unique partnership in ministry; that while we are miles apart, the love of Christ brings us near.
I have completed a full 8 years in the “official” full-time Christian ministry. And what I have discovered is that there is no difference between the secular and the so-called Christian vocation. Perhaps, because we are fallen human beings. But being Christians, we often expect our fellow believers to respond appropriately Christian. When that did not happen, it affects us negatively. Let me briefly list some “defense” to my statement on why I think there is no difference between the secular vocation & the Christian vocation:
1. There was a major complaint about one individual who clearly cannot perform in the capacity entrusted to him and the complaint was made to the very top authority but instead of considering the voice of the people (affected), more was entrusted to this individual within the capacity that he clearly cannot perform. Later it was discovered that this individual made a huge donation to the Christian organization. Doesn’t it look like “buying a job”?
2. A senior Christian minister insisting that Christian ministers must be able to plan what he/she wants to be/do in 5 year’s time. Does that sound like secularism here, leaving God & prayer out of the picture and become “I” & “me” centered instead? New Age Christianity, perhaps? In fact this person can actually make a statement like, “I will make sure this person never have the chance to serve in this organization.” What was the “crime” of “this person”? Simply being from another denomination & was in some disagreement with his peers. And this so-called senior Christian minister wanted to prevent “this person” from entering another denomination (?!?...that appeared in my thoughts too)
3. A senior Christian minister promising this & that, apparently, to gain respect/popularity but never keeps his word. Utterly untrustworthy.
4. A senior Christian minister who cringed and started to pacify a foreigner who just needs to raise his voice to get things his way
5. A foreigner who never prepares her work and complaints come from affected people, locally & overseas. Claiming to be a missionary? Looks more like a long-term tourist
6. A foreigner who is so obsessed with a title that he never bothers to know anything else other than securing a title. I thought ministry is about effectiveness, not titles & positions. Recently I discovered that those foreigners coming in to serve here are actually working in “lowly” jobs back home. They were grave-diggers, dish-washers and came here, often “berlagak” around because there are still Asians who actually idolize westerners. No, I’m not suggesting that we look down on foreigners. Instead, I’m implying the need for the Christian community to actually treat each other equally, just like what the Bible has been teaching all these while. Unfortunately, some people just can’t get out of their inferiority complex and become obsessed with the need to have a title to “feel” secure
7. A colleague lacking integrity. While we should not be calculative in service, better be careful or people may just take advantage of us. I learnt that the hard way. I obliged a colleague to do her job as she claimed to be busy with year-end tasks but when the reason expired she refused to take back the job
I think I can go on, and on, and on. I often asked myself if it’s worth it. I often face the temptation to return to secular vocation. After all, the pay is better, there is more recognition, even better career advancement. But I am here in a Christian vocation where age & gender are two factors of apparent prejudice. Within the Christian community, I wonder how much Christian values do we actually practice? I mean, we talk and teach about accountability, we talk and teach about team ministry, we even talk and teach about self-theologizing. But I seem to look at all these as mere hypocrisy of the Christian community. We expect people around to kow-tow to us without any objection or criticism. Anyone daring to swim against the tide is often seen as being the devil’s weapon. Some went to the extent that criticizing the (Christian) authorities is tantamount to being “demon-possessed” and “faithful Christians” should cast the “devil” out of that person. I know there are many “dissatisfactions” beneath the Christian masks. We just didn’t want to say it. Because once we say it, we will be penalized. We will be that black-sheep, the devil’s advocate, & should be thrown into the “cold storage” of ministry. We treat the brave Christian as an out-cast when the only “mistake” is simply to speak the truth. So, what is the difference? In fact, if a non-believer hurts you, you can accept it easier than if a believer hurts you because you know the former is ignorant of the Bible truth. But it hurts much deeper & it’s harder to forgive a fellow believer who should have known better. Yeah, sure…we use the excuse that we are all sinners. Granted. But let’s be honest to ourselves. It still affects us, one way or the other.
During my “pastoral” years when there was a lack of leadership in the church I was serving, I spent a great amount of time reading & studying about leadership. I read almost all of John Maxwell’s books & can conclude that once you read 3 of his books, you’ll be familiar with his leadership principles. His other books only elaborate various points of the principles. I remember he wrote that everything rise and fall on leadership. And that is true. Sad to say, we lack strong spiritual leadership in the Church. We need men & women who can fearlessly champion Christian values to restore a Christian community that God can be pleased with. We need men & women leaders who dare to stand for Christ even if it means standing alone. We need men & women leaders who dare to be different even if it challenges tradition. We need men & women leaders who are bold enough to be radical just as Jesus Himself was in His time. The Church needs to take charge because what we are will be manifested in the community around us. We need to take the lead to be change agents. And somehow we wonder why the ethnic community leaders are yes-men in the BN coalition government!
I remember the very first leadership principle I learnt. It came from the principal of our residential college in University Malaya. Prof. Madya Dr Haji Wan Abu Bakar Wan Abbas was the dean of the engineering faculty, located next to our Second (Residential) College. It was during one of the “taklimat Pengetua” that he told us how he was approached by his colleagues asking how he could manage his team. His reply was “to recognize authority.” I have carried this principle and it has never failed me. Recognizing authority is to recognize the person in charge of each specific responsibility. Even if I am “above” a person (in the authority hierarchy) I must respect the authority given to the person that has been entrusted to be in charge. If I am a school principal, I no doubt have the authority over the running of the entire school and can over-ride any decisions. However, recognizing authority is to submit myself, even as a principal, to say, the head of the Physical Education department because this person is better acquainted with the daily running/needs of the department & this person’s advise/decision will definitely be better/more practical/useful.
I think what the church needs is recognition of authority & mutual submission. As the Bible tells us, we need to tell the truth in love (Eph 4:15). We should be able to criticize each other in love and should be able to accept criticism in love.
I love ministry. I enjoy ministry. But I just dislike serving in this seminary. It seems to look like the most unchristian place, yet, it is supposed to churn out church leaders! In many ways, I think we still have a lot to learn. Yet, in no way, should we compromise on the quality of service we offer through the training/discipleship ministry. There’s always the excuse that we are fallen beings and we need to look beyond the fault of our fellow believers. This is true, but it does not mean I cannot be affected by what I experienced & encountered. After all, I am a fallen being myself. I was in the CG recently & was asked to share on something along the line of whether I was ever angry at God. I was reluctant because it involve my colleagues and I know it does no good to paint a bad picture of our Christian leaders that my CG members can easily decipher through any “cover-up” I may attempt. Besides I express myself better through writing, rather than talking. That is why I spend more time writing than speaking when preparing a sermon.
I would say that 2008 carried me through the furthest to the edge of giving up. Yet, the Lord always brings the right people to say the right things at the right moment until I realize, I was made to love Him, to serve Him, to praise Him. I confess that sometimes I just want to hurt others in the same way I’ve been hurt. I mean, let them get a taste of how it feels like: to be hurt, to be treated unfairly, and all these within the Christian community? Can there be any hope for the Church? Shouldn’t the Church be the one championing equality, righteousness, and justice? Instead, worldliness overtakes as men selfishly claim the limelight to feel “good” for themselves.
Entering into 2009, I have no idea what is in store. The Lord has prepared me to trust Him more and I’m walking the talk of trusting Him. I am still preparing for my entrance exam into the PhD (Missiology) program. I target to sit for the exam by January 2009. And I still have no idea how to finance myself through this program except a faith to believe that the God who calls, will provide. Do I have enough in my life savings to sponsor myself through my studies? The truth is, yes I do. But enough to pay for the fees without knowing how much the field research is going to cost. And I have to pick an original research! This means I have to actually go to the field to collect raw data.
I often silently wish that the Lord would just call me to serve in a small, closely-knitted church community. That I can just lead a simple, uncomplicated ministry. But I know with certainty, that is not what the Lord called me to do. In fact, resignation to that will amount to retirement from ministry. No, the Lord wants me to serve the universal church and not the local church. It is a macro ministry, not a micro ministry and it finely fits my macro perspective that seems tailor-made just for this. I always feel the need to balance church involvement and the teaching ministry. I know I need to be more involved in church activities. Somehow, things just don’t turn up as it should. I want to just serve in my home church & continue ministry in the seminary. But, the Lord had prepared for me to serve various churches all through the nation while serving in the seminary. This has actually opened my eyes to the wider needs within various church denominations & the emerging new generation of church leaders who are non-denominational in perspective.
I have a dream. Just like Martin Luther King who had a dream for the US. I dream towards the day that Christians can treat each other equally just like being prescribed in the Bible. I have a dream for the BM ministry. I dream for the BM department to realize their potentials, to be recognized as an equal to the other streams, because they are just as good as anyone else. Regardless of whether I witness the fulfillment of the dream, I pray for it to be shared by all involved and all who carry the passion for this work. The Christian ministry is a journey that we each participate to play a role in time. And the Lord will ordain the right person to harvest the fruit at the fullness of time. I believe true satisfaction is fulfilling the job entrusted to us, to do the best as an honor to God, and leave it to Him to reward us accordingly. And it should not matter whether we are privileged to witness/enjoy the fruit of our labor.
Another year is fast approaching. I am praying that our good Lord will continue to strengthen each of us to face the challenges ahead. 2009 will be a difficult year with the recession coming along. But let’s be reminded that our Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Ps 50:10), will surely see us through sufficiently.
I have enjoyed the mission trips along the year. There were short trips with students of the seminary from the BM department. We visited Perlis in northern Malaysia in April and to an urban OA church in KL last October. The amazing thing about these trips was that we were on shoe-string budgets. And surprisingly, we always ended up with excess cash! I really have no idea how those money just appeared! There was a longer trip to North Sumatera last July. I don’t know if it can be categorized as a “mission trip” but my teaching assignments in both Tawau & Kuching were filled with “mission trip encounters.” Then there was the over-the-weekend trip to the OA villages with my CG recently. I was very happy to discover from the pastor there that they are beginning to see the need to train/disciple lay leaders and looking further to prepare the next generation of church leaders. But the one thing that most impressed me was their desire to be local. I do not want to sound like I’m against foreign missionaries or their efforts here. But it is just mere facts that they often cause more harm than good to the local ministry & it is the local church that has to do the “cleaning up” job. Generally, I strongly believe – God establish His church in Malaysia for Malaysians. And that is our primary duty.
I’d like to thank all of you, my partners in ministry. Some of you taking the trouble to read many long blog entries and some (like me) who only skim through long emails. Thank you for reading my ministry journals, detailing my spiritual walk and pilgrimage. I hope my honest expressions reveal to you a very human perspective of a fallen, sinful being who strive to live and minister only and solely by God’s terms. Even with the many degree certificates that I have with my name printed on it, I face as much challenges as anyone of us in this fallen world. It is a struggle to be a faithful Christian in a fallen world. Sometimes, the Christian community itself is no help. Yet, at other times, you cannot survive without the support of the Christian community. And I am accountable to all of you, in GBC, in Christ Church, and elsewhere where our paths once met, as we partner each other to make a difference for our nation in this generation. Please remember me in your prayers as we pray for each other to be effective witnesses for our Lord.
