Ending the Year with a Huge Bang…

Today is Sunday, 30^th Dec., the last Sunday of the year. I decided to attend the early service in church so I can say my little good-byes to my nephews who were here from PJ for a short holiday. I was spending time with them with great fun. My older nephew and I were playing water bombs and competing to wet each other in the wading pool of the local hotel. The next day we went to the beach. We rode on a horse and he was attracting much attention with his loud antics, much to my embarrassment actually. My younger nephew took his first step on the beach. As a typical city boy, he was afraid of it! But after seeing his brother having so much fun building “sand pyramids” he slowly stepped on to the beach and got acquainted with the sand. In fact, he began to enjoy the sand so much at the last minute, moments before it was time to leave! Praise the Lord for time spent with families, especially at year ends. It truly brings a sweet close to an ending year with fresh hopes to usher in a new year.

I wish this can be true for everyone everywhere in the world. I was shocked to hear of the assassination of Benazir Buttho. Regardless of what the media may paint her to be, both in the positive or negative light, she was truly a figure that deserves the respect of everyone. I see her as a true symbol of breakthrough for the Muslim community. In fact, I identify with her struggle. It’s never easy to exercise your gift effectively amidst a male-dominated society. I truly respect her courage and charisma in fighting for democracy and strived to bring political stability to her beloved land. She may not share my faith & belief system, but she became a symbol of gender equality and ability when she assumed her premiership however short they may be. Like most people the whole world over, I grief at the lost of this precious life.

I was disappointed when the worship service this morning chose to end the year with a joyful note as if disregarding what is happening outside its walls. Pakistan is in turmoil. Supporters of their assassinated leader are in so much grief and pain that those unable to control themselves express it through violence taking the whole nation into chaos.

What a year 2007 had been! War & political instability was and is happening around the world. Besides the current Pakistan, Myanmmar attracted worldwide attention not too long ago when Buddhist monks led in political demonstrations. Closer home, in fact, at home, some quarters attempted to cause disturbance to our nation’s harmony by injecting rumors and false claims. Sure there were joyful moments. There were also moments of tension. It has been a bitter sweet year.

Personally, it also described my journey through 2007 – bitter sweet. Sometimes, I wish God only calls me to serve faithfully in a small, closely-knitted congregation. But I know that’s not what He has for me. I’m called to serve the universal church and that put me in a position to deal with pastors and Christian leaders throughout the nation and sometimes even beyond. Many times I grieve at the thought of how some Christian leaders sold themselves for worldly acclaim. Chasing after position, titles, “power,” recognition, some even dwell in pride and intellectualism, disregarding Biblical mandate and commands…I didn’t know why the Lord chose to reveal this to me, but as I pray over it, He impressed upon me that the Lord wants me to stand in the gap. Though the situation sometimes pushed me to the edge of giving up in ministry, I know the Lord did not reveal that to me just so that I can pack my bags and leave. Instead, He chose to reveal that to me because He knew I will do something about it. However little my contribution may be to make a difference, I will be faithful to my calling. Who knows, out of this little obedience the Lord may cause a huge thing to come out of it. After all, revivals all over the world always began with one or two faithful souls.

I still resort to my “little book of encouragement.” Besides the Bible, this book written by Henry Blackaby has helped me to climb out of depressing ministry situations. Created to be God’s Friend: How God Shapes Those He Loves Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999.

One prayer I hope many will share with me – pray for a greater fear of the Lord to come upon Christian leaders. We don’t fear God if we don’t take seriously the task He entrust to us. This means doing ministry in His way, not ours. God may have called us to be pastors or leaders but it’s foolish to do things the way we thought it should be done. Instead, when God calls us to lead, we should lead in His way. After all, the people we lead are His people.

2008 is just around the corner. I don’t know what’s in store for me, the church, the nation, or the world. But one thing I’m always sure is that God is still in control. After all, He holds the whole world in His hands as He makes all things beautiful in its own time. I do not want to be distracted – in my faith, in my focus, in my walk with the Lord. God is still God, He is still my God.

Adventures and Misadventures of Family

I just took a few days off to spend some time with my nephews in PJ. God created us to experience childhood and yet observing children is so much fun. My two nephews in PJ are so much fun. One is entering standard one next year and his younger brother is turning two in about two weeks' time. It was a special kind of feeling to be with a smaller version of someone who carries a part of me. I suppose environment makes a difference to how a child is groomed, apart from inherited genes. I guess it is true of God's word that children is a gift from God and parents are to be worthy stewards to raise them in godly ways. I reflect upon my own childhood and family relations. There are good and bad in those relationships. But I have decided to learn not to repeat mistakes. Instead, to learn from the past and improve on the lacks. I hope I am able to be a good aunt to my nephews. One that can impact them with godly virtues that will guide them in their lives.

Ministry is pretty relaxing. Probably because the Seminary is on its annual year-end break right now and I'm not very involved in church yet. There are work to attend to, but not very heavy loads. It's the time of the year where things go slow as the holiday season slips in. And as we enter into another season of Christmas, I hope Christians in Malaysia will once again seize the opportunity to make known the true reason of celebrating Christmas. For God so love the world....

The Universal Church

It has been a great adventure serving the Lord. As He teaches me new things and revelations, it always lead me closer to His heart. I remember about five years ago when I was seriously contemplating joining the Hannah II ship. What impressed me was the Bible School aboard the ship & they travel to small, obscure locations around Asia. Among their ministries was this teaching ministry that interest me a great deal. It was not the right time, I suppose. Today, the passion for cross-cultural missions is still very much alive within me. And the love for the universal church is very close to my heart. After all, it's only logical for a missions major to involve in missions and I've been praying, especially for the right timing. Under current circumstances, I'm not able to commit long-tem and I'm exploring short term possibilities. Thus far, there are two possibilities - Africa or Indonesia. I hope you will join me in praying & discerning for God's direction - to the right place in His time. The two areas of ministry I'm looking at are teaching & youth, both of which is possible in Ghana (Africa) or Manado (Indonesia). Will greatly appreciate your advice/comments and prayer support.

Reflecting Reflections

Spirituality is subjective. Yet, human like us attempt our best effort to understand spirituality. I think we are all too familiar with the obvious channel that education feeds the head. We forgot that spirituality starts from a changed heart. Instead of the usual channel of imparting knowledge (to the head), we should understand that it all must begin from the heart. A transformed heart views every knowledge differently. Experienced faith confront knowledge differently because you are looking through the spectacles of practical faith. Christianity should be understood first & foremost through the heart, a transformed heart that changes the spirit and understanding.

The Road Least Traveled

I feel like Elijah (1 Kings 17-18). After the great “high” at Mount Carmel, he went deep “low” into depression. Within a week from Convocation, having received the highest academic degree from MBTS, I went steep low into depression. I am still pretty disillusioned. When you are in “full-time Christian vocation” your circle of acquaintances are Christian workers, supposedly the more “spiritual” of the lot. Yet, as I observe these so-called Christian leaders, I discovered that some of them are practicing something that is no different from the world. It does not make it okay, just to put a Christian label on something that the Church discourage in the world. The Christian community is so full of hypocrisy!

Again, like Elijah (1 Kings 19), I felt as if true Christianity is diminishing. Yet, a friend reminded me that true Christianity is still very much alive! I want so much to believe that right now. But I want to pour my grief in words. Grief over how God’s name has been used in vain by so-called leaders of His own church. As if whatever action taken in the name of the church will “sanctify” the practice and make it okay and acceptable.

I do not doubt the fact that most people know about God. I have a lot of doubt how many people actually know God. I’m not merely referring to Christians. I am specifically referring to “Christian leaders.” I know many with head knowledge, all full till swelling up. Yet, I know so few, too few who actually know God intimately. How can one deny the spiritual stale-ness when you meet with one that carries spiritual dry-ness within them? It’s not “right” to speak against the “establishment.” But how does one reconcile the apparent, obvious spiritual stale-ness day, after day? It contradict too much with what is right – the overflowing of spiritual vitality. And it is more than obvious in desert, barren spirituality.

And so the head knows. The head knows that we are fallen human beings with our limited limitations. A fact that is often used as an excuse once too often, way too often. As if we are not responsible for our own actions. I want to pray for God to purify His church. That judgment shall start from within the house of God. How dare we stain the Lord’s holiness when we measure spirituality with worldly standards? How dare we use the Lord’s name in vain? How dare we attempt to make right the wrong just so that we can receive “recognition” before men and the world?

Where is the humility? Where is the servant-hood? Where is the practice of what is being preached Sunday after Sunday? Should it not be applied into our lives? What is leadership by example if the leaders distant themselves from the rest, as if they are on a higher pedestal and that rebukes are for those on the pew, not for those from behind the pulpit? Have we forgotten who a Christian leader should be (1 Tim. 3)? What makes a Christian leader different from a leader of the world? There can be no pretense in spiritual matters. One can only give out of what he/she got. (⁴⁵ The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45, NIV)

O Lord, please have mercy on us. We have fallen so far away and we didn’t even realize it. We have allowed the things of the world to dictate how to minister. We have failed as a servant, as a minister. Please take us back to the right track and grant us to be teach-able so that we can be in the light of Your will.

Psalm 69

^{PS 69:5} You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you.

^{PS 69:7} For I endure scorn for your sake, and shame covers my face.

^{PS 69:8} I am a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my own mother's sons;

^{PS 69:9} for zeal for your house consumes me, and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.

^{PS 69:13} But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation.

^{PS 69:16} Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me.

^{PS 69:30} I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Swimming Against the Tide

Physically, it is absurd. Absolutely absurd to go against the tide. It is most unpopular and to a certain extend invites ostracism as anything obviously would when it is against the norm of the day. Yet, isn’t what the Christian community ought to be? One set aside from the norm of the world? And yet, within the Christian community there exist its own sub-culture to dictate what is and not the “acceptable” norm.

Generally, there is no objection to the ideal that the Church should influence the world. However, the present state is clear that it is the world that is influencing the Church in almost all aspects of its life. I believe that there still is a remnant of “true” Christians, somewhere out there. And I constantly struggle to reconcile what the heart feels and the head knows because many times they contradict each other. On one hand, we want to see the Church in Malaysia grow in maturity. Yet, on the other we observe how its leaders make decisions, appointments, and practices that clearly reveal an extreme lack of spiritual maturity and wisdom. Do we need to “prove” ourselves? I don’t think so. Yet, because we are so influenced by worldly values, we allow worldly standards to measure our spiritual “achievements.” And where does this lead us? Obviously, it makes us no different than the world! Disappointing? Discouraging? Of a fact, as descendants of the fallen human race we can never achieve “perfection” in this side of heaven. We will always need God. True enough. But where is the value of the Cross? Where is the Resurrection power? I don’t believe we are completely hopeless because we really do have hope in Jesus Christ – no doubt about it. And this hope is the avenue to enable us reaches “Christ-likeness.”

Whatever happens to the Christian duty of a “watchman” as in Ezekiel 33? Are there prophets of God brave enough to speak the truth? And are there Christian leaders out there brave enough to obey the truth? One speaks the truth yet is not heard. One voices the truth and yet the advice not heeded. Because it goes against the tide. If a brave Christian took to the challenge of going against the norm, this Christian is often branded negatively. After all, it’s not “Christian” not to submit. A further attempt will probably cause the person to be branded “unspiritual,” “immature,” or even “unchristian.” True, we cannot have Christians broadcasting negatively about the Church either. Spiritual maturity can be seen through the consultation of fellow believers. Yet, many times dirt is wept under the carpet so as not to “stir the water.” Recognition, position, titles – aren’t these what the world sought after? Whatever happens to the Christian virtues of humility, servant-hood, and secrecy (Matt. 6:3 do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing) ? Sometimes it looks like as if within the Christian community a sub-culture is emerging; one that reflect its own version of what the world is. Example, the designation of a “pastor” is an address to a Christian minister serving within a local church context and recognized by the local congregation as holding the pastoral office. Suddenly, it has become a “title.” Suddenly, it became an address of “honor.” Where does this come from anyway? An obvious lack of theological understanding? Certainly looks that way. But is it an attempt to “create a religious hierarchy” within the Christian community.

Where o where is the desire for a Christian community of biblical purity? Have we lost it? Was it ever in us? Have we ever strived for it? Where o where is the Christian community that fears God and truly seeks for the sovereignty of God to reign and prevail? Where o where is the Christian who truly desire for God’s kingdom to reign on earth (beginning from the Christian community.

Many times disappointments & discouragements pushed me so close to the edge that I feel like giving up, not only in ministry but as a Christian. There are too many hypocrites around. And it intensifies when you are in active ministry. It worsens when you deal with Christian leaders themselves. There is spiritual dryness, lethargy, distance hovering over many Christians I meet each day. I don’t know what to do. While the Lord has given me a discerning spirit, I am careful not to cross the fine line & ended up being judgmental instead. But I grief for the lack of spiritual vitality in our Christian community. I grief for the mistakes of some Christian leaders that was thought “wise.” Simply because decisions carelessly and foolishly made today will eventually bring its impact of hurt tomorrow or the day after. Sometimes, the hurt will be just too deep to heal and the damage too severe to mend.

These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. (Rev 3:1-3, NIV)

"Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to a wicked man, `You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself.
"Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself."(Ezekiel 33:17-21, NIV)

Convocation 2007…

It was a great evening I must say. God truly revealed Himself as a great God, a loving Father, and a marvelous Provider. I was pretty sick a few short days prior to the Convocation weekend. But the good Lord sustained me through. The Convocation service ended slightly before 10pm & by 10.30pm, I was almost ready to collapse. I was so sick the next day; I literally stayed in bed throughout the day. My fever must have been quite high. After all, I felt as if I could breathe out great balls of fire!

I almost didn’t want to “graduate.” After all, it’s my third master degree from MBTS & it’s not cheap to graduate with all those fees and dues. But I was glad I went ahead with the graduation plan. The thrill for me was being the first recipient of the ThM (Missiology). Apart from that it was just a small insignificant step to reach a PhD. After all, the School requires a ThM for the PhD entry. And that’s just it. Little did I realize that my little “achievement” brought big impact & significance to the people around me. A fellow graduate from Mongolia told me that she was proud to have met me because she had never met a lady receiving a ThM before. Some lecturers who realized the demands of the program came to express similar encouragements. Because my love language is word of encouragement, it was a great evening & the Lord sustained me long enough to be encouraged and affirmed. There were also families of friends who shared my joy so much that it touched me to the very core! Not to mention greetings from fellow colleagues, students, and co-workers in ministry. Thanks to technology, the whole evening was recorded & I can’t wait to get a copy of that short little moment when I took the scroll to encouraging cheers from people who shared with me the goodness of a great God.

Just another short testimony – most of you do not know me from my childhood. The truth is that I was never a good student at all through my school days. I was the average/below average student. The first time the Lord gave me the impression to proceed to study for a master degree was when I was in my first year of my undergraduate study in UM. I could still remember that moment when I was sitting beside the dirty Tasik Universiti in the cool of the evening. It scared the freak out of me! But those were “formation” years that the Lord took to break a proud, money-minded, career-focused, and materialistic person. And I know He’s not through with me yet…but right now, I’m ready to be molded in the hands of the Master.

I’m writing to thank all of you; for all your prayers, partnership, fellowship, love, and thoughts. The little that you contributed to my life had made quite a difference. The next step is to pursue PhD and there’s more challenges ahead. Why I need to press on further? Because my greatest conviction is that my God deserves the best. He always gives me the very best and I want to give the best back to Him. Because I can only give out of what I’ve got, I need to equip myself when opportunity presents itself for me to better myself so that I can keep giving Him the better from the previous best. And knowing the great God that we serve, it’s worth every effort. I’m glad I gave up everything for Him because truly, it’s worth it!

I believe it’s a little thing for a great God to take an average/below average student to have 4 degrees. I’m a dreamer and I dream big because I know I can only achieve as far as I dare to dream. But I invite you to join me in dreaming big for our God so that together we can bring a difference to impact our generation in this nation & beyond to the glory of our God.