The last few weeks was so slow that I was super relaxed to the point of falling sick. Literally. I am a very work-oriented person and even the slow days that would last for something like seven or eight weeks was unbearable. Sure it gave me the time needed to prepare class lessons, and it is not that I totally have nothing to do but I do not need three days to prepare a two-hour class. And I did manage to draft three complete course lessons within four or five weeks. So, I was so relaxed to the point of feeling sick. I did fell into some spiritual depression of sorts. One thing after another came just when I was about to get out of it. There were issues of both internal and external proportions. I know the Lord allows things to happen the way it did for a reason and I always learnt my lessons the hard way. Perhaps, it is because I am such a difficult student.
A good friend confided in me that her marriage had fallen apart. I was so, completely, and utterly devastated. I know this couple, faithful serving Christians. And because of that, I am finding it extremely difficult to accept how far the husband has strayed from his faith and how deep in sin he has fallen. I realized that if I feel so much hurt, the wife must be feeling even worse. It is no fun feeling miserable. I complained to the Lord. I cried out to Him to take me out of this misery but nothing miraculous happened. The next morning, the issue was still swirling in my mind until a still small voice spoke to me saying, NOW you know what it really means to love the sinner, to hate the sin.
Another issue I have to confront is an extremely insecure colleague. Thus far since his arrival middle of last year, he did nothing more than throwing his tantrums like a spoiled brat when things are not the way he expected. But the latest outburst was pretty controlled. Anyway, he began being polite after discovering I am a PhD student. But I really do not know how long I can hold on with such a person in the ministry team. He seemed to conveniently blame me for the things he failed to do. When other ministry players appear to treat him coldly, as he claimed, I am blamed as part of the attempt to force him out of office. I discussed teaching approaches with a colleague and it became decisions made without his knowledge. I really have no idea why he is so insecure, so suspicious, and so paranoid.
I really love ministering with the indigenous community. It is the feeling like, hey…this is what I have been looking for. By the way, my dissertation topic is along this line. But the truth is, with the situation around, I am very ready to leave MBTS. I do not know if the Lord will take me to the field or to another aspect of ministry. But I am feeling very drawn to home missions. I enjoy teaching and preaching. I enjoy rural simplicity that minus the urban complexity which has much entered into the church community. I am finding it extremely repulsive because complex policy and politics only serve to divide rather than unite the church.
April starts with another exciting class with the BM congregation pastors in FGAC, the second installment of the monthly schedule. There is a preaching engagement at a Lutheran church on Easter Sunday. Then at the third week is another Cultural Anthropology class with the BM students who are mainly from the Ipoh and Gopeng interior. The following weekend I will hop on the plane to Tawau for four weeks. And no, I will not be swinging from tree to tree. I will be teaching Introduction to Christian Missions at Pusat Latihan AlKitab Baptis in Kiulu Baru. PLAB is our partner and we are initiating a sort of twinning program. The three weekends I have in Tawau will give me the opportunity to visit a few kampongs. Thus far, what has been planned is a weekend in Kalabakan and a weekend to stay put in Kiulu Baru. I was asked by my friend and student to preach at the combined mothers day celebration. I do not know how they will be celebrating it and I also wonder why of all persons, I was invited to preach at the occasion. I am not a mother, never worked with the women ministry or even with children. With the exception of VBS where I took every opportunity to relive lost childhood.
It will be end of May when I return to civilization. No, Tawau is not that rural lah…Anyway, there is a planned class in Ipoh in June which is yet to be confirmed, both its venue and dates. But this class in Ipoh will afford me some time to meet some friends in Ipoh and savor its cuisines. I must compare if there is any other city in Malaysia that can offer food as good as those found in Penang. The trip should also provide me with some fresh illustrations for my sermon at the end of June in BJAC. I am participating in a mission trip to Johore in early July, at the invitation of an alumni. But I will travel a day earlier than the team so I can drop by Singapore to meet my thesis supervisor who is based there.
The rest of July is to prepare for the BM module of STCM in August. I have a class to teach on the second week but still do not know what to teach yet. Yes, I am usually more organized than this but this is an elective for those who had already taken the core subject that will be offered on that week. So, my name will not appear on the official STCM brochure now being circulated around the churches. September is another slow month with one preaching engagement and one weekend trip to Simpang Pulai. October is also pretty slow with a one-week class. Thus far, November seems pretty slow too with one preaching engagement and December one speaking engagement at a youth camp.
I really need more and new challenges. I am already so familiar with most of the things I am doing, it is becoming a boring routine. Perhaps some of you reading this may be thinking…ha, she should be attending prayer meetings and cell group meetings, and what nots. You know what? You are right. And this is something I am struggling. I discovered something sinister recently while casually chatting with a colleague. I found that there is an unexplained reluctance to participate in church activities, especially prayer meetings. I thought the problem was just me being lazy. But as I was chatting with this colleague, she also realized that there is an unexplained reluctance preventing her from engaging in church activities in her church. Somehow, there is a draw towards seminary activities and busyness that seem to pull us back from engaging in church ministries. Then we began to observe our other colleagues…most, or nearly all, are not regularly attending prayer meetings in church. Worst, most are not engaging in church activities apart from doing it as part of their job description. Then a few older colleagues started to share of encounters of a spiritual kind at various locations in campus. Wah…this is getting exciting, right? Then stay tuned for the coming soon and next change…
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